“I looked over to my left,
Mmm, I was lookin’ so good I couldn’t reject myself.
I looked over to my left,
Mmm, I was feelin’ so good I had to touch myself.”
Tweet – Oops (Oh My)
I believe when this song by Tweet dropped I was in Middle School. I didn’t really understand what the song was about until I really listened one day and was like “*Gasp* She’s talking about touching herself!” I was in awe of the song because Tweet confirmed something for me that I was very torn about. Was touching myself normal? In my community back home (Black American, Christian Fundamentalist, and Southern), talking about sex openly is very taboo. It’s treated as a gateway drug. “If we tell little girls about sex and how it can be a great thing, they’ll turn into prostitutes and strippers.” Very slippery slope thinking. So I knew not to discuss a certain activity I’ve been doing since I was 9. Masturbating.
One day I was on the side of my arm chair playing horsy and then I felt a strange sensation. I kept going and then I discovered what it led to. I kept doing it in secret for years. Since no one wanted to talk about my vagina with me or what came with it besides peeing and keeping it closed, I figured this was something abnormal. Then I heard Tweet’s song on the radio and was so relieved. “So she does this too!” Even after that, I never spoke about masturbation again until college. I had a few friends who were very open about talking about sex. So I engaged in many conversations. Freshman year I was a virgin but still, I was growing pretty tired & burdened from what I was taught about sex.
Church: “You will inherit 7 demons from the man if you have premarital sex! You need to stay pure for the husband God will send you.”
Mom: Silence and her actions that didn’t lead to good times. So for me this translated to men=pain.
Yet, I saw men do whatever they liked stress free. If I was apprehensive with a guy he didn’t seem to like that and pull away. If I was assertive I would probably deemed a hoe (or a thot or whatever men want to justify not saying “women who like sex” with). I learned that “being a lady” is not something that can be balanced considering all the requirements different men have for a “respectable woman”. So my senior year after a year and a half hiatus from cornballs & mishaps, I began to look at my sexuality and my body a new way.
1. I stopped saying “I lost my virginity”. I know where the hell it went.
2. I learned the concept of virginity is very fabricated considering the hymen can break with other activities like sports. Most women hurt the first time in intercourse more so due to tension, anxiety, & penis size. It’s just solely to police young women into thinking they lost something with consensual sex.
3. My pleasure is important too. My needs matter in bed just as much as the man.
4. If I do have sex with a new partner, always go to the clinic afterwards & always be vocal about my wants & needs in the bedroom. Listen to my partner’s as well & talk it out.
5. I stopped the pet names with my body parts. It’s my vagina dammit.
6. I stopped assuming that sex is just about a man & a woman. Instead of giving hetero biased advice to young girls, I started giving simply accurate & healthy advice.
7. Sex can be awesome & guilt free. Just make sure to always look out for mind, body, & soul.
After taking these steps I found a new agency. I was able to have “premarital sex” (because everyone eventually gets married right? -____-) and not fall apart afterwards. I was able to not let respectability politics get in in my way of carving out what my sex life looked like to me. How to manage it and how to maintain a healthy self-image. I’ve had sex randomly. I have had planned sex. I have sex with my husband. Or I could have chose celibacy. All of it is my choice and my body.
If that makes me some sort of whore then stay in your sexually repressed corner harping about “queens” and “ladies” while you jerk off to Instagram photos and go to church praying for deliverance from your own natural desires.
Too harsh? Well keep your judgement to yourself then. Otherwise, I hope this post helped someone own their body and move forward.
A blog link about the internal clitoris. Teach Yo’ Self: